If you are a husband who wants his wife to cuckold him, I beg you to read my words, listen to them, hear them, live them and think of them before you ever even whisper this idea to the love of your life. When my husband first put the thought into my brain, a little part of my essence, my soul, my light – died inside. I have since been reborn into a far more beautiful and interesting creature, but still, that part of me that was taken, I shall never have her back. Imagine, if my husband were to leave me tomorrow, would I ever be able to put myself back into Pandora’s box? Once the serpent has been unleashed, can we ever really stop her from slaying? I will always be unusual. I will always be unique. I am tainted now. In mainstream eyes – I am damaged goods. However, I have accepted this. It has taken me years to overcome and to grow strong but I can finally acknowledge who I am. When I look back to the beginning of my marriage – sometimes I think to myself…why didn’t I just leave him? There were times I grew so angry at my husband for ever wanting this lifestyle that the anger consumed me. Ate me up. I dreamed of divorce. I dreamed of leaving him. Hurting him. Finding a “bull” and riding off into the sunset with him. I was angry. I was hurt. I could not believe he wanted to share me. I could not believe he would tempt the gods and allow me to be with other men. Did he truly think I was so unlovable that I could just be a piece of trash used and used and used and used by men – discarded – abused – dirtied. I was heartbroken. I was devastated. I could NOT stand listening to him over and over and over and over again asking me why I hadn’t “found a boyfriend yet”. Hearing him say “You are so pretty, it should be so easy for you” and over and over and over and over again beating myself up by listening to his words. Wondering inside myself, “well, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I just find someone? It would make him so happy!!! Why can’t I just do this for him?” Over and over and over it never stopped. I broke. I simply broke. I was shattered inside. I had always dreamed of finding a man who would cherish, love, desire me – and only me. Keep me protected, keep me safe from others and here – a year into my marriage – my husband wanted a prostitute – not a wife.
I told you my words were not going to be easy to read. I told you that this lifestyle is not for everyone. I am never going to be an advocate for a lifestyle such as this. I will honestly say that if I could go back to when I was first pondering this life, knowing what I know now, I would have never ever EVER agreed to it. I would have packed my bags, grabbed my sensibilities and RAN. However, I cannot rewind this tape – there is no backwards button to push and believe it or not – I truly have accepted the lifestyle now and I do LOVE it. I no longer hate myself for it. I have in fact found a silver lining in it. In all my rants and all my loathing – I have found that it has brought my husband and I closer than ever. My husband is my KING. We have slid down the steps of hell and slowly, seductively, we slithered back up them – but we did it together – holding hands. We are each others forever traveling companions.
The way my husband chose to get me involved in this lifestyle was wrong. He and I both know that now. It tore me apart on the inside and it tore our marriage apart on the outside. We became enemies. I am warning you – this lifestyle is not one that is easy to enter. That is why my writings will be unsympathetic – these words are not words I have never spoken directly to my husband. I am here to help but with a cold calculating tongue I cluck as I click my heels and shake my finger at you – look deep inside your soul before you bring this fantasy a reality. There is so much emotion – so much hurt – pain and forever scars that will never go away if it is not approached gently. Each woman is different. Each situation is different. Each of us is different. Maybe your wife will easily succumb – I am not a seer – I don’t have all the answers – all I can do is tell you what I went through and beg you to think not only twice, but two thousand times before entering into this dark dark world. My husband and I are lucky. I learned that forgiveness gave me strength and once I was able to forgive my husband and forgive myself – I became strong. I hold my head up high and I am thankful for the life I have lived. I feel now that I can offer advice, I can offer caution and I can offer truths. I don’t necessarily know if there will ever be a “right” way to bring this up to your wife but I can certainly think of ways it would have worked better with me. I can tell you how hurt I felt, how angry I felt, how used but I can also tell you now – how sexy I feel. How powerful I feel. My alternative lifestyle has become my norm. I cannot imagine living any other way now. I have embraced the beast and conquered it – and you can too.